of dogs and men


When it comes to dogs, we don’t really know how the domestication went down. My theory is that one day, Susan, a prehistoric cavewoman, saw a cute little wolfy pup and she went “awww sho cute” and then Bill, some beta caveman who had a massive crush on her, decided to take the pup home and gift it to her on her birthday. But there was a problem.

See, Susan and Bill don’t socialize that much. Sure, they share the same cave, they go to the same shaman, they get their fire from the same dealer. For Bill, it was love at first sight. Every day, he would daydream of telling his grandchildren the story of how he met their grandmother, how beautiful her hair looked from behind, while she was bending over trying to pick those mushrooms. But they didn’t speak that much. Bill was shy and Susie always had plans for the evening, so they wouldn't go out often. And what Bill didn't know, is that Susan's birthday was just 3 weeks ago. Not only was he not invited to the party, he had to raise the pup hidden from Sue and the rest of the cavepeople for a whole year.

So he decides to get his own cave, and moves out a couple of days after. It wasn’t anything impressive, just a single-room grotto a couple of trees down. He had running water, there was a river nearby. He feeds the wolf, the pup plays around during the day and bites his toes during the night, you know, the usual.

11 months went by like a breeze, and when it was Susan’s birthday again, the pup was now a fully fledged wolf, big fangs and all, it could hunt and sometimes would bring dead squirrels and rabbits to Bill. “Free food”, — Bill thought, — “Susan and I won’t need to rely on other hunters anymore. We can enjoy our early retirement, maybe grow some crops on the back yard, while Fangy McKiller here brings the meat”. But as usual, his plans went out the window when Susan got scared just by looking at the wolf. In her eyes, it was just another apex predator, ready to kill her and her children in their sleep. She was a narrow-minded hunters whore, who couldn’t see past her nose and appreciate Bill’s hard work into taming a fucking wolf, just to make her happy on her birthday. Bill felt his dreams shatter, he felt the weight of the whole world in his shoulders, as all he had fought for till that day was rendered utterly meaningless.

Long story short, Bill had to rub one out for quite some time. It didn’t occur to Bill to check down the Fangy McKiller’s tail for genitals, so he was quite surprised when one night, Fangy seemed a bit fa… bigger than usual. Yes, Fangy was a girl. And she was pregnant. “More mouths to feed”, — Bill said to himself, disappointed in Fangy’s bad partner choices. He looked at her and thought to himself, — “Fangy deserves a man who could always be there for her. Just like I would be for my Susie”…

Fangy couldn’t understand why her friend was howling. She sees his face, his eyes wet, his nose running, and she thinks “Bill, are you melting? Oh shit! Oh fuck! Bill’s melting! Biiiiiiill don’t stay that close to the fire!”, she howls with him. She jumps him to put some distance between him and the fire; in her little, under-developed, savage wolf brain, she thinks she saved a melting friend. And she did. That day, Bill decided to become a wolf tamer.

Fangy gave birth a couple of weeks after that. The smol puppies looked ugly and not quite wolvie like their mother, but Bill loved each and every one of them. He gave them names, taught them how to fetch sticks and how to not shit inside the cave.

And the rest is history.